


The Tragical History of the Life and Death of Napoleon Maxwell Sowachowski

by IzzyCX, Notion_Thief



Category: Welcome to Hell - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Grimdark, M/M, Prison, Rocks Fall Everyone Dies, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-09-24
Packaged: 2020-01-04 11:12:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18342512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IzzyCX/pseuds/IzzyCX, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Notion_Thief/pseuds/Notion_Thief
Summary: Sock goes to jail after killing his parents. Jonathan meets Sock in prison on a class trip, and their lives are forever changed.





	1. The Tragedy Begins

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic, so I hope it won't be too terrible.

Sock was in the living room, his best and only friend in hand, both covered in blood. Sock looked at himself, his knife, and his murdered parents, and sobbed. Sock had killed many times before, butthis was the first time his homicidal tendencies hurt someone he, y'know, actually knew. Murdering someone you knew and loved really does a number on your already shaky mental stability, so Sock did something that someone in another situation would think twice about. He confessed his crimes. All of them. He dialed 911, and confessed every one of his 42 murders in a fit of grief. When he finished, he looked at his old friend. The blade of the knife shined reassuringly. He thought, for a moment, to end his life like he had ended so many others, but could not bring himself to do it. He sat down, and sobbed some more. 15 minutes passed. Sock heard sirens, and a knock on the door. Sock steeled himself, wiped away his tears, and opened the door. A police officer stood there, young and fresh, with sweat pouring down his black skin. "Christ, kid. How old are you?". Sock sniffled. "16, sir." "16, huh? You sure don't look it. Come on, kid, it's gonna be okay." It was not gonna be okay. Awaiting trial, Sock spent 3 months in juvenile hall. It wasn't like any of his relatives were willing to pay his bail after he killed his own parents. Most of it was in solitary, "for his own protection." That was fine by Sock. He never really had any friends anyway, and he hadheard what happened to people who looked like him in prison. He spent most of his days wallowing in self pity, with occasionally watching himself be demonized on the nightly news. "The Red Reaper", they called him. He looked at the families of his victims, and felt bile rise up in his throat. He always knew, intellectually, that his murders were hurting people. But now he could put a name and a face on the families of his victims. Especially Jojo. Poor Jojo! She was his first victim. He only wanted to be her friend, and he killed her. At the trial, Sock looked around at stony, unsympathetic faces. The jury did not quite believe Sock's story of sleepwalking, and sentenced Sock to life without parole. The fact that Sock was legally a minor, and therefore could not be legally given the death penalty, was one small mercy. The media was outraged, of course, that such a "notorious murderer" got off so easy. People were demanding the death penalty. Even in Sock's hometown, there were posters showing a needle with the caption; "Take your medicine, Sowachowski!" Sock did not care about this. Sock just didn't care about much of anything anymore. As he was marched off to the prison where he would spend the rest of his life, he was no longer Napoleon Maxwell Sowachowski. He was just Inmate #1007673.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A special shoutout to IzzyCX for drawing this fantastic art for this fic! Check her out at https://izzydrawsforfun.tumblr.com if you haven't already!


	2. Philia, or a dream of brotherly love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sock meets Jonathan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2nd chapter! The rest won't come this fast.

Jonathan Combs was bored. This was his natural state, especially at school. Being a mediocre student, not much of an athlete, and having very few interests with the notable exception of bands you have never heard of, Jonathan's only real notable trait was his supreme apathy. This was not a new thing, even as a toddler he had very few friends and acted like he had lived upon the earth a thousand years and had nothing left to live for. Jonathan's social studies teacher was talking about something or other, and Jonathan was merely watching the clock until the class ended. "On Friday, we will be touring Green Valley maximum security detention center, so give these permission slip to your parents." "That's funny", Jonathan thought. "I could swear I just heard my teacher say that we were touring a prison." The teacher continued talking. "Don't blame me for this, okay. This was the county's idea, so you would be to scared to commit crimes. Ridiculous, of course. I don't even need to lock my car! I didn't even know we had a prison!" The teacher went on like this for some time. Jonathan was shocked. Why would the county have high schoolers tour a maximum security facility, of all places? Wouldn't a prison for non-violent offenders be a much safer choice? Nonetheless, a field trip was a field trip was a field trip. He'd be a fool not to go. Sock, as routine at this point, was spending the day in solitary confinement "for his own protection". At this point, though, Sock didn't think that anything that the other inmates could do to him could possibly be worse than the solitude slowly driving him insane. What made Sock's stay at Green Valley even worse, however, was his dreams when he went to sleep. Every night, Sock would be tormented by the shades of those he had killed. They didn't really do much in his dreams, other than look sad. It was the guilt that tore Sock apart, along with the sneaking suspicion that he was slowly going insane. Sock's cell door opened. The grim face of a guard glared down at Sock, saying "You. Inmate #1007673. Come. The warden wants to speak with you." Now, any human contact at this point was enough to make Sock jump for joy, even if was with a guard and the warden. Sock didn't say anything, of course. He simply followed the guard. The warden was much like one would expect a prison warden to look, silver haired and harsh with a old and weathered face. The warden peered down at Sock. "Inmate #1007673?" "Er, yes?" "We have a high school touring this facility today, and due to your age, you will be paired off with a student." Sock could hardly believe it. "Really?" Sock said as a smile slowly crept up on his face. "Yes, really. I want you to be on your best behavior. No funny business. Understand?" "Yes, yes, of course!" Sock was ecstatic. Finally, actual contact with someone his age. This was going to be great! The warden scowled. "Right, go to the visitor center then. The tour will be in 2 hours!" The warden nodded, and the guard led Sock to the visitor center. Jonathan was sitting in his favorite spot on the bus, at the front. Jonathan was quite the introvert, and as most people congregated to the back of the bus, the front was the logical choice for Jonathan. The bus stopped. Green Valley seemed pretty nice, for a prison for dangerous criminals. The bus door opened, and Jonathan followed the chaperones. The group went up to the visitor center, where a smiling woman met them. "Welcome to Green Valley detention center! We will show you a movie about the history of this institution, and after that, you are going to meet your partners!" Partners, Jonathan thought. Strange name for a bunch of dangerous criminals. Jonathan and his classmates watched the movie. It was quite boring and unremarkable. It was a bunch of crap about how modern the institution was and how it had lots of programs to teach the prisoners new skills and how it was founded in 18 something-or-other by some doctor... After what seemed like an eternity, but was in fact only 30 minutes, the movie was over. The woman spoke up again. "Okay, your partners are right through this door." She gestured to a door, and opened it. "Follow me!", she said. The class and their chaperones followed her. There they saw an assortment of people, mostly boys around their age. Most of them looked like tough customers, except for one. He had a thin frame, though was slightly pudgy, was pretty, and had hair that looked like all the hairspray in the world couldn't tame. He looked strangely familiar... The woman smiled. "Okay, it's time to meet your partners. The matching list is on the wall." The class rushed to go and look. Jonathan scanned the paper, trying to find his name. He was matched up with... Napoleon Maxwell Sowachowski? He was sure he had heard that name before. Jonathan scanned the room for his partner. "Napoleon?" Sock raised his hand. "Here. Uh, you can call me Sock." "Okay, Sock. My name is Jonathan." The woman cleared her throat. "Are we all partnered up? Good, then. Follow me." One of Jonathan's classmates elbowed up to him. Her name was Lil, and Jonathan had a crush on her for quite some time. He had never worked up the courage to talk to her, though, due to her notorious temper. "Dude, do you know who you have been partnered up with?" "No. Should I?" Jonathan never really kept up with the news. Lil looked at Sock, who had a look on his face that was practically begging her not to tell. Lil was always a sucker for a cute face. "Never mind." Sock's face brightened. "Okay! Let's follow the tour guide! I mean, I could show you around myself. But the warden doesn't want that. So let's follow the tour guide, follow the tour guide, follow the tour guide, follow the-" Jonathan sighed. "Are you always this annoying?" "Hey Jon, don't be like that! Com'n, we just met! Oh, and the answer to your question is yes." "God. You know, what did you do to get in here? You don't exactly strike me as the criminal type." Sock looked at his feet. "I really really don't want to talk about it. It brings up real bad memories." "Whatever." Under the supervision of the chaperones and the "tour guide", the inmates toured their partners around the facility. Sock was very friendly and chatty with Jonathan, even when showing him some of the more depressing elements of prison life. "And this is the bathroom! It's really not that bad." Sock gestured to a filthy, trash-covered toilet in a graffiti-covered stall. Jonathan blinked. "Why did you need to show me this, again?" "Touring a prison, remember? Have to show you everything!" Jonathan didn't really want to admit it, but the little pest was really starting to grow on him. He was, after all, his first friend. Jonathan wondered what Sock could had possibly done to get in here. Maybe he was actually a serial killer. Jonathan laughed to himself about this ridiculous idea. Sock was obviously harmless. The only Sock could kill someone was maybe annoy them to suicide. He certainly was obnoxiously friendly enough to drive a man to kill himself. Sock, for his part, was overjoyed. Not only was Jonathan his first friend(that he didn't kill), Jonathan was his first friendly human contact in over a year. I didn't help that Jonathan was very cute. At lunch, Jonathan pulled out a sandwich. Sock looked at the sandwich, and said "wow, you must really love sandwiches, huh." "No, this is just my lunch. I mean, I like sandwiches. Its not like they are my favorite food or anything, though." "I bet that you are lying. You just looooove sandwiches, don't you, hot stuff." "For the last time, no. And don't call me hot stuff." "Whatever you say, hot stuff." Jonathan facepalmed. "Jesus. An entire prison full of hardened criminals, and I get the only annoying one. Typical." "Don't be like that, Jon-Jon! You just really like me, don't you?" "No, and don't call me Jon-Jon." "Pudding?" "No." "Sweetling?" "Sugarplum?" "I said no." "Sweetling-Sugarplum?" "Absolutely not. No pet names, okay! It's not like we are going to see each other again when I leave." Sock realised the truth of this statement, and was horrified. He didn't want to live in a world where he couldn't see Jonathan again, and was stuck in solitary confinement with the ghosts of the past. Hours passed in the blink of an eye, and as Jonathan's bus left Green Valley and Sock went back into solitary, Sock knew that he had to escape. After all, he now had something to look foward to, something to live for.


	3. Eros: Or, a monument to the folly of love.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sock escapes prison through means I am not a good enough writer to detail, and Jonathan has to deal with harboring a known fugitive.

Sock was exhausted. This was not an enormous surprise, as he had been running for quite some time now. He barely even remember how he had escaped from that prison. He did not want to remember. Finally, as the adrenaline started to wear off and he nearly collapsed from exhaustion, he saw the sign welcoming him to FZS high. Sock smiled. Quick as a snake, Sock dashed for the bushes and waited for the buses to come. Today was not a good day for Jonathan. To the average observer, nothing would seem amiss. However, Jonathan was nothing if not perceptive. He saw his classmates point and whisper at him. Jonathan preferred it when they just ignored him. When school ended, Jonathan sat at the front of the bus as always. He could swear that he saw someone new got off the bus with him, but the new kid made a point of ducking whenever Jonathan tried to get a good look. Jonathan sighed. He was apparently the weird kid now. He had no idea why. As Jonathan walked to his house, he thought he heard someone. Jonathan figured that it was his imagination. Mom and Dad weren't home, as usual. Jonathan went into the kitchen to make himself a sandwich. When he had finished eating the sandwich, Jonathan went into his bedroom to work on his math homework. When Jonathan went into his bedroom, he found a nasty surprise. Sock was sprawled on his bed, completely nude. "Gah! Why are you here? Why aren't you in prison? And for god's sake, put some clothes on!" "Can't be wearing my prison uniform here, Jon-Jon. And to answer your question, I escaped." "Wait wait wait. You escaped from prison?" Sock shrugged. "How else would I get here?" "Look. I don't know how you escaped, but you can't be here! I mean, escaping from prison is, you know, a crime!" Sock rolled his eyes. "Gee, no kidding." "Well, you can't be here. I liked talking to you and all, but I am not keeping an escaped convict in my house! I mean, I could go to prison for that!" Sock's eyes widened. "No. Look, I can't go back there! I mean, before you came, I practically had no human contact at all. Besides, if i'm captured, I don't know what will happen! Please, Jon." "Fine. You can sleep in the attic, my parents never go there. Make sure no other person knows that you are here." Sock had a smile that nearly reached his ears. "Thank you so much!" "You're welcome. This is such a terrible idea, I can't believe that I am doing this." "Don't be such a sourpuss! Its going to be fine!" "Whatever. You want something to eat?" Sock had not eaten food in a year. Sure, he had technically eaten "food" in prison. The fact that it was served in a cafeteria didn't make it any less inedible. He had even spotted something alive in the rice once. Sock nodded. Jonathan stood up. "Okay then, what do you like?" "I could eat anything. Ooh, do you have cookies?" "I'm not giving you cookies as a snack, Sock." "If you do, I might give you a kiss." "No thanks. How about some leftover pizza?" "I like pizza!" "I think that's a yes, then. When I get the pizza, I want to see you with clothes on. Understand?" "Yer no fun." "Understand?!" "Fine, I'll put some stupid clothes on." When Jonathan came back upstairs, he found out that Sock had a...unique sense of fashion. "No part of your outfit works with any other part." Sock stuck his tongue out at Jonathan. "Who died and made you the fashion police?" "A skirt, though?" "I gotta express myself, right?" "Whatever. It's not like anyone else knows what you are wearing. Just get in the attic. I'll bring you some leftovers from dinner." "Come on, Jonathan! It's gonna be boring in the attic! Can't we talk some more?" "My parents could be here any minute now, and I need to do homework. If you are bored, there is a old TV and a VHS in the attic as well as a bunch of movies." "Ooh! Any slashers?" "I don't know, maybe?" "Okay then, see ya tonight!" Sock climbed up the ladder to the attic. Jonathan sighed, then went downstairs and did his homework. As usual, his mother came home first, followed shortly be his father. Jonathan and his parents preformed the evening ritual of hugging, asking each other how their day at work/school went etc. As usual, Jonathan took out the trash and set the table for dinner. As always, his father turned the TV on to watch the evening news. Normally, Jonathan didn't watch, but today something unusually relevant to Jonathan was on the news. The anchor was talking about a waterskiing squirrel or something of the sort, when suddenly...BREAKING NEWS! "We have just been informed that a dangerous criminal has escaped from Green Valley maximum security detention center." Jonathan was shocked. Sock? Dangerous? But who else could they have been talking about? The anchor continued. "The inmate, one Napoleon Maxwell Sowachowski, escaped this morning and is now in the Summer Hills area. Napoleon should be considered both armed and extremely dangerous." Jonathan's mother looked like she found out that their was a shooting at Jonathan's school. "Summer Hills? Oh my God!" Jonathan's father comforted his wife. "Don't worry, I'm sure that the police will catch him." "I know that, but what if he kills someone again? What if he kills you, or Jon? Oh God!" Jonathan tried to make out what the anchor said over his parents. "Napoleon Maxwell Sowachowski, 17, has been convicted of the fatal stabbings of Anthony Marcus Sowachowski, 43, and Andrea Garcia Sowachowski, 43. He has also been convicted of 40 other murders in around the area." The anchor went over Sock's trial and his murders in detail all through dinner. "If you have any information of the whereabouts of Napoleon Maxwell Sowachowski, please contact the police. You could save a life." It nearly made Jonathan lose his appetite for his mother's hamburgers. When Jonathan declined dessert, his mother was worried. "Are you sure? This is the first time I've seen you decline ice cream. Are you feeling okay?" Jonathan's father spoke up. "Are you kidding? Of course Jon's not feeling okay! He just found out that the goddam Red Reaper is on the loose, and in his hometown no less! That would make anyone lose his appetite! Is that right, Jonathan?" Jonathan thought he would puke. "Yeah, pretty much. I just need to go upstairs and calm down. Excuse me." Jonathan sat up, and ran to the attic. Sock sat up. "Hey, Jonathan. You bring me any dessert?" "No. No, I didn't bring you any dessert." "Gee, someone's grumpy today! You know what my mother would do if she saw me going around all grumpy like that?" Jonathan couldn't really imagine any context that involved Sock being grumpy. Sock kept talking. "She'd give me a tickle! Do you want a tickle, grumpy man? Tickle, tickle, tick-" "Actually, I would like to talk to you about your parents. There was an interesting report on the news today about your parents. And you. Mind elaborating on that, Sock?" "Look Jon, I can explain!" "Uh huh. They also talked about some other mysterious deaths surrounding you. 40 others, to be exact. Mind filling me in, hm?" Sock looked like he had just been punched in the gut. "Look, look. I, I didn't. I didn't." "You didn't kill them? Is that what you were going to say? That your parents, you know, and, uh, 40 FUCKING other people just disappeared into thin fucking air! That you are as innocent as a lamb! Is that what you want me to believe? Huh? Is it?" "It wasn't on purpose! I didn't kill them on purpose!" "Oh, OK. You didn't kill them on purpose then. That's great! You didn't kill them on purpose. Hip fucking hooray. I suppose that you just, uh, killed them in your sleep, is that right?" "Yes." "And you expect me to believe that bullshit! Honestly, Sock, I knew you had to of done something bad to go to Green Valley, but I didn't have you pegged as a fucking serial killer! One who killed his own fucking parents, might I add!" "I really didn't mean to!" "Fine. Let's just say, for the sake of argument that you really did kill your own parents as well as 40 other people, all of that in your sleep and you had absolutely no personal choice in the matter. Why didn't you turn yourself in after you first killed?! Why did you escape when you very well could kill again? And finally, why didn't you tell me about any of this!" Sock was crying. "I just didn't want you to hate me! You are the only friend I've ever had! The last time I tried to make a friend, I killed her! Oh my God, Jojo. You are right, Jonathan. I am a horrible person." "Sock..." "I just don't know what to do. I can't go back. I just can't. Maybe I should just kill myself. It would be better for everyone else." "No. Don't talk like that, Sock." "What else can I do, though?" "Just stay here, okay. I'll take care of you. But for God's sake, if there is something that big comes up again, tell me! You not telling me about stuff like this helps no one. Got it?" "O-Okay." "Thank you. I'm gonna go see if I can get you some food, m'kay?" Sock nodded. "Can I have a cookie?" "Gee, that's a bit of a mood swing. I'll see if there's any in the kitchen, okay?" "J-Jon?" "Yeah, what?" "I-I think that I'm in love with you." Jonathan said nothing, and quickly climbed down the ladder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the angst-fest, guys. The next chapters are going to be much worse.


	4. Dementia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sock's mind starts to slowly crumble. Things get worse, then they get better, then they get much worse.

The great boa constrictor slithers through the jungle he was born in. A beautifully unconflicted animal, the boa knows only two things. The hunt, and the kill. The boa sees a sleeping golden-furred monkey. The boa sneaks up on the monkey, and slowly chokes the life out of the monkey while hearing it's beautiful dying sounds. "Wh..Sock...sto..plea." A small seed of doubt is placed in the boa's heart. That voice sounded familiar... "Ge..OFF!" Sock wakes up, his hands around Jonathan's throat. Sock released his grip. "Aah!" "Shush, you might wake up my parents! What the fuck were you doing? You could have killed me!" "That sometimes happens. I get these weird dreams and when I wake up, someone is usually dead." "Jeez, just my luck. Of course my boyfriend has homicidal urges. Why the hell not." "Boy-Boyfriend?" Jonathan's eyes widen. "Friend. I meant friend. I mean, I meant to say that you are a boy, and my friend, so..." "O-Okay." "Just get into the attic, my parents might see you. Oh, and maybe figure out a way to make sure you can't hurt someone while you are here, okay? "Sure thing!" "Shh!" Sock went upstairs, and decided just to watch a movie instead of going to sleep. Just in case. Jonathan just couldn't stop thinking about Sock. He was a murderer, but his friend. Jonathan both hated and loved Sock in equal measure, and was faced with the fact that he had romantic feelings for Sock. All of this really put him off his breakfast cereal. Jonathan said goodbye to his mother, and walked to the bus stop. Lil walked up to Jonathan. "Hi, Jonathan." "Oh, hello Lil. What's up?" "You heard the news?" "Yeah, I can't believe Sock escaped. He just seemed like such a nice guy." "Sock?" "Uh, yeah. That was the little dude's nickname. Sock." "Huh. Weird name. Anyway, that wasn't the news I was talking about." "What else could it be?" Lil put a cigarette to her lips. "What are you doing?", Jonathan asked. "Those things will kill you, ya know." Lil took a puff. "Whatever. At least I don't do weed. Jonathan." "Why does everyone seem to think I do that? Never mind. What's the news you were talking about, Lil?" "Okay. Listen. You wanna uh-go on a date or something." "Huh?" "You know, I go to your house, see a movie or something? Maybe?" "Sure! Sure." "Okay, great! Bus is here." Jonathan got into the bus and sat at the front. Jonathan didn't know what to think. He was on a date with the girl of his dreams. But what about Sock? He couldn't deny that he had feelings for the little dork. And Sock clearly had feelings for him. Maybe it would just all work out, though. Meanwhile, Sock was watching an old tape of Dracula. Sock preferred slasher movies, honestly, but he could always appreciate the classics. After he had finished Dracula, he had a CD of Twilight lined up. He knew that Jonathan would probably find it hysterical that he he liked Twilight, of all things. In Sock's defense, he had a celebrity crush on Robert Pattinson. As Sock was reaching the end of Dracula, Sock was feeling tired. He had lost a lot of sleep last night, after all. Sock closed his eyes. "Sock...Sock." "Come on, one more minute, Mom. Mom?" Sock opened his eyes and found himself standing in a sea of grass, under a great starry sky. Standing right in front of him were his deceased parents. "Mom? Dad? No, you can't be here. I killed you." Sock's parents then said something Sock couldn't stand. "Sock. It's okay. We forgive you." "What! No, no! You can't possibly have forgiven me after what I did to you. This is just a dream. Go! Go." As Sock's parents fade, they tell Sock to "Remember that we will always be with you." Sock starts sobbing uncontrollably. A familiar voice rings out of the air. "No tears for me then, Napoleon?" "Jojo?" "The one and only." "But you're dead! All of you are dead!" "Indeed I am. And you killed me! Why did you do that?! Why?! Tell me that! Why did you kill me?!" "I don't know! I just don't know. Just leave me be." "Fine. A word of advice, Napoleon. The trial is coming." "The trial? Jojo! What do you mean?" The landscape shifts. Suddenly, Sock stands before a court. Sock sees a 39 rotting, familiar faces. Old Judge Edgar, he of the sucking chest wound, speaks up. "Napoleon Maxwell Sowachowski, the court finds you guilty of 42 counts of murder. We therefore sentence you, Napoleon Maxwell Sowachowski, to an eternity in Hell. May God have mercy on your damned soul." Suddenly Sock feels an unimaginable pain and feels himself going down, down, down. He opens his eyes, and sees a tall man in a purple suit. The man speaks up. "Welcome to Hell, kid. The name's Mephistopheles." "Am I dead?" "No. This is actually a dream. I also might just be a figment of your imagination. Then again, I might not. Spooky, right?" "Why am I here?" "You killed a lot of people, kid." "No, I mean, why am I here if I'm not dead?" "Well, She wanted to send you some dreams to send you on the "right" path. You are here so I can show you your afterlife if things don't change. I gotta lot of stuff to do, though, so I'm gonna just show you a video and move on, okay?" Sock watched the video. It was a "edutainment" video about a new demon learning about his new life in Hell. It looked like it was made in the 70's, and it had really cheesy jokes and a fake laugh track. When it was done, Mephistopheles rewound the VCR and asked Sock how he liked the video. "It was okay, I guess." "Yeah, I get that a lot. Still, though, a new orientation video isn't really top priority here. Anyway, your time is almost up. A word of advice, kid. This may sound cheesy, but follow your heart. Also, suicide never killed anyone. Bye now!" Sock woke up. Dracula was over now. Sock rewound the VCR and checked the time. 2:55 pm. Jonathan would be home soon! Sock looked out the attic window and waited. After 15 minutes, Sock spotted blonde hair. Sock rushed downstairs. "Hey Jon, I-" Jonathan was there, but there was a new person in the doorway. Jonathan was starting to look notably paler than normal. "Uh, Lil, this is Sock. Sock, meet Lil." Sock extended his hand. "Uh, nice to meet you." Lil did not take the hand. "Jon. Jon. Why is the Red Reaper in your house?!" "No, no. That's my cousin, Sock. He just looks like the Red Reaper." "How could he be your cousin?! You look nothing alike!" Sock coughed. "I was adopted." Lil glared at Jonathan. "This is bullshit. You can't possibly expect me to believe any of this." Jonathan nervously chuckled. "Honestly, Lil, you can't possibly believe that I would harbor a dangerous murderer. Who do you think I am?" "He is right there! Why, exactly, shouldn't I call the police right now?" "Would that really be necessary?" Lil flashed a wicked grin. "If he really is your cousin, the police should have no problem verifying that." "Fine, you got me. He’s not really my cousin." "Thank you for finally realizing I am not a idiot. Now, back to my original question, why is the goddamn Red Reaper in your house?!" Sock spoke up. "Well, I, uh, sort of snuck in. Jonathan’s house was really the only place I could go." "How did you know where my house was, anyway?", Jonathan asked. "Internet." "Gee, ask a stupid question." Lil spoke up. "Right, sorry to interrupt, but why didn’t you call the police, Jonathan?!" "Listen, could we go into the living room now? People might see us.", said Sock. The three went into the living room. Lil glared at Sock. "Right, back on topic. Jonathan, why didn’t you call the police?" "Well, I didn’t know what he did until later." "Jonathan, you must be the most oblivious person on planet earth. It was all over the news when he was caught!" "I don’t really watch the news. Anyway, Sock is mostly harmless. He’s really not a bad kid." "Not a bad kid?! He killed 42 people!" Sock spoke up. "In my defense, those were all accidents." "Really? How can you kill 42 people, all on accident?!" "You know how some people sleepwalk?" "Yes." "Well, I have a tendency to sleepmurder people." Lil looked at Jonathan. "Seriously?!" "He’s not actually lying, you know." "I can’t believe that you’re actually defending him! I’m calling the police." "Lil, please don’t." "Why shouldn’t I?" "Because if you do, I’m gonna go to jail too, you know." "Don’t be ridiculous. You won’t go to jail." "I won’t go to jail for hiding an escaped serial killer in my house?" "Fine. Fine, I won’t call the police, are you happy now?" "Thank you." Lil turned to Sock. "So, got any hobbies or something? Also, why the skirt?" "I like the skirt! As for hobbies, I dunno. I like movies and mystery novels. Sometimes I do math problems for fun." Jonathan snorted. "Nerd." "Says the 18 year old who’s never gotten a date." "Actually, he does have a date." said Lil. "Really. Who?" "Me." "Uh. Oh. Okay. That’s great. I’m real happy for you, Jonathan. I just need to, um, pee. Be right back." "Wow", said Lil, "he must really like you." "What could possibly give you that impression!?" "Hm. I’m beginning to see why you didn’t call the police when he came here. You like him too, don’t you." "That’s ridiculous! I mean, he’s just this guy, I don’t even really know him, why would you possibly think I like him?!" "You are blushing, for one thing." "I am not!" "Jonathan." "Yeah?" "You really suck at lying. When Sock comes back from the bathroom, probably crying his little eyes out, I want you to confess to him. Okay?" "Why are you doing this? A couple of minutes ago, you were going to call the cops!" "I’m doing this because you two obviously have a serious crush on each other." Lil spotted Sock walking down the hall. She smiled. "Oh look, here he comes now. Hey, Sock! Jonathan has something to say to you!" Sock sniffled. "What?" Lil elbowed Jonathan. "Come on, say it!", she hissed. Jonathan took a deep breath. "Sock." "Yeah, what?" "I dunno how to say this. I sorta like you, and I have for a while and when I see you my heart skips a beat and, well. Sock, would you, uh, be, you know, my, uh..." "Your uh what?" "My boyfriend." "Really, Jonathan? Do you really mean it?" "With all my heart." "Really?" "Yes." "Really really?" "Yes!" "Really really really?" "I told you, yes!" "Really really really really?" "Oh my god, Sock, say yes or no, but if I hear you say really one more time, I am going to wring your little neck!" "Of course I’m gonna say yes, Jonathan! I really like you too!" "Thank you." "No, thank you." "No, thank you." "No, thank you." "No, tha-" "Oh my god, you guys, are you gonna kiss already, or are you gonna make me sick by just thanking each other till the sun grows cold?", said Lil. "Really, I thought, hold on what-was-her-name-Jonathan?" "Lil." "Right. I thought you would be more upset by this, Lil?" "Well, you two obviously like each other, and I have a thing for gay guys. Are you gonna kiss or not?" "Well, Jon?" "Why not?" They kissed. Lil beamed. "Finally. Now, what you guys wanna do?" "I got some movies we could watch!", said Sock. "Okay, what are they?" Sock racked his brain, and soon realized that there was only one movie on his list that he hadn’t watched. "Promise you guys won’t laugh?" "We promise.", Lil and Jonathan say in unison. "Twilight." Jonathan started laughing hysterically. "Twilight, pfhahaha!" "Shut up!" Lil smiled. "Twilight? Wow. You just went from gay, to super mega ultra gay." "If you’re just going to make fun of me, I’m going upstairs.” Lil laughed. “Com’n Sock, we’re just teasing. We’ll watch." "If you really want to watch, I’ll watch.", said Jonathan. "But I bet you just want to watch for the sparkling vampires." "I do not!" "Why do you want to watch it, then?" "Shut up!" "Boys, come on. Let’s just watch the movie." The three of them then watched Twilight, with added commentary by Jonathan. "Oh my god, that was so terrible. I can’t believe you guys liked that." Sock glared at Jonathan. "It wasn’t that bad." "Yeah, right. Now that I know how much you love vampires, maybe I should start wearing fake fangs." Lil rolled her eyes. "Enough, you two. It was okay if you didn’t think too hard." Jonathan shook his head. "I’m surrounded by fools! Fools, I say! Crap, you hear that? It’s my parents! Quick, Sock! Go into the attic!" Sock nodded. "Right-o!" Sock scrambled off. Lil rolled her eyes. "Really? Right-o?" "Eh, how should I know why he says what he says and does what he does? I just live with the little dork." Jonathan’s mother came through the door. "Jonathan! Who’s this?" "Hi, mom. This is Lil, we have just started dating each other. Lil, say hi to my mom." "Hello, Mrs. Combs. It’s a pleasure to meet you." "It’s nice to meet you too, Lil. I’m just glad that my little Johnny’s met someone special. Can you stay, or do you have homework to do?" "Yeah, I got to work on my English project. My dad might get worried if I stay to long at a boy’s house anyway." Lil got up. "Bye, Jonathan." "Bye, Lil." When Lil had left the house, Jonathan’s mother spoke up. "Well, she seems nice. When can I expect grandkids?" "Mom!" "I’m joking. You two are far too young to have grandkids. I’m just so happy for you! I’m going to tell your father about this, and I just know that he’ll be thrilled!" "Yeah, thanks mom." When his father came home, Jonathan talked with his parents over dinner about Lil. His father was a bit worried, but overall he was just happy that his son had "found someone". After dinner, Jonathan finished his math homework, but found that he could not stop thinking about Sock. He had finally admitted his feelings, with some help, but while Sock seemed to reprociate, it would be difficult to have a relationship when one of the partners would have to stay hidden for fear of getting arrested. Jonathan yawned. He could think about this tomorrow. He was going to bed. Things went well...for a while. For a couple months, Jonathan lived his days according to a routine. He would get up, go to school, and when he got home, he would invite Lil over, get Sock downstairs, and just watch crappy movies together, do homework, or just talk. It was a bit dull, but it wasn’t a bad routine, as they go. Of course, this happy state of affairs couldn’t last. Jonathan, after all, was harboring an escaped criminal in his house, and Sock was not quite as careful as he thought he was. The day that everything changed began like any other, with Jonathan getting up, eating breakfast and going on the bus. Jonathan had a good morning at school, nothing much to worry about. At lunch, Jonathan was eating a turkey-on-rye sandwich and talking with Lil when he heard a voice crackle over the PA. "Jonathan Combs, would you please come to the main office. Jonathan Combs, would you please come to the main office. Thank you." Lil poked Jonathan. "Ooh, you are so busted!" "What are you, five? Busted for what?" "I dunno, being an enormous doofus?" "Really? Who says the word doofus anyway?" "Apparently, I do." "Toùche. Got to be going now, Lil. See ya." "See ya." Jonathan trudged off to the main office. When Jonathan opened the door, he saw the principal...and some police officers. The principal smiled at Jonathan, though the smile did not reach her eyes. "Take a seat, Mr. Combs. The officers would like to talk with you." "Hold on, what’s this about?" Sock knew something wasn’t right, he could just feel it. Sock climbed down the attic ladder, and peered through the upstairs window. Nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary...with the very small exception of a patrol car parked in the driveway. Sock climbed out of the window. Sock was a surprisingly nimble kid, and climbed down to the ground without much difficulty. Sock spotted some police officers getting out of the patrol car, and he dove into the bushes. The officers knocked on the door multiple times. When nobody answered, they picked the door locked and entered the house. It was obvious that they were searching the house, but they hadn’t found Sock yet. With a moment of deliberation, Sock dashed silently towards Jonathan’s school. As Sock moved towards Jonathan’s school, he saw more patrol cars. Sock knew he couldn’t come in, as people would recognize him. He was powerless! Sock could only wait. As Sock watched from the bushes as he saw Jonathan bundled into the patrol car, his fists bunched up in rage. How? How could they have known? Of course. Lil. It had to be her, there was no other explanation! He was going to break Jonathan out, but first he had to pay someone a visit. Lil was worried. Jonathan hadn’t come back from the office yet. Could something have happened to him? Lil hoped not. It was probably nothing, his parents probably took him home early or something. Lil quashed the paranoid, niggling feeling in her gut that something was very wrong. School was over soon anyway, she could visit Jonathan and Sock soon! Right? Lil breathed a sigh of relief as the bell rang and got her stuff. As she walked to Jonathan’s house, Lil realized someone was following her. Lil closed her eyes. Looked like the Krav Maga classes would have a use after all. Lil made a mental note to tease her father about that when she got home. "Awright, creep, we can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way." A familiar voice came out from the bushes. "Why, Lil?" "Oh, thank God it’s you, Sock. I thought you were some creep." "Why did you do it?" "Do what? What are you talking about? Let’s go somewhere private. Someone might see us here." They did so, and Sock continued. "Why did you go to the police?" "What are you talking about?! I would never do that to you or Jonathan!" "You lie! Jonathan is in prison because of you!" "Wait, Jonathan is in prison?! The police got him?!" "Yes! And it’s because of you." Sock’s voice then became very soft. "Why did you do it, Lil? Why? Was it because you were jealous of Jonathan and me?! Was that it!" "What? Don’t be ridiculous, Sock! I was the one who persuaded Jonathan to confess to you! Just calm down, okay." But Sock did not hear. He smiled, and pulled out a sharp knife that he had procured for this very purpose. Lil was quick, strong, and clever, but she was no match for a trained killer. A single cut, and it was done. Sock smiled. Was this what killing felt like? He felt ecstatic, powerful! He was a fool to repress his impulses for this long! He was a killer, he might as well enjoy it. Sock laughed for a good long while. Now all he had to do was free Jonathan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you the next one would be worse.


	5. The Fallen Star

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sock breaks Jonathan out of prison and they descend into a life of crime.

Jonathan was nervous. What was he going to tell his parents? "Of course", Jonathan thought to himself, "I won’t be the one to tell them. In fact, they probably already know by now." Currently, Jonathan was waiting in the police station. He was waiting for the nice police officer to take his picture and then take him to meet his parents before taking him the nice house that he wasn’t allowed to leave before his trial. Jonathan was trying to put a positive spin on things. It wasn’t going all that well. He hoped Sock was okay. He doubted it though, they probably caught him. Sock was very happy about the vegetation around the police station, it made it child’s play to sneak around it. Of course, he needed to get in the police station, and he needed a keycard for that. Needless to say, getting a keycard for a police station and sneaking in without being seen was a tad difficult when you were on the run from the law. So, Sock planned to play the long game by waiting by the main entrance and liberating Jonathan from there. Soon, what luck! A police car drove up, opened the door, and as the officer got out, Sock dashed in before anyone noticed. Soon, a pale Jonathan, escorted by a few police officers. Sock laughed silently at the perfection of it. These officers were really being careless. Sock grasped his knife as Jonathan entered the backseat, followed by a police officer in the driver’s seat, where Sock was lying in wait. The officer had no time to react, the knife gutted him quick as flash. Jonathan’s eyes widened. "Sock?" Sock grinned. "Hello, Jon-Jon. My name is Sock Sowachowski, and I’m gonna be your driver for today. Strap your seatbelt on tight, cause it’s gonna be a real bumpy ride! Let’s go!" Sock began driving at a breakneck pace. Jonathan panicked. "Sock, what are you doing? You just killed a police officer, and now you’re stealing a police car? Have you gone crazy?! Crazy-er?!" "Calm down, Jonathan. I’ve already got a life sentence anyway. Would you rather I didn’t break you out?" "I’d rather that nobody died breaking me out." "Jon-Jon, lighten up! Death is just another part of life!" *THUMP* "That was probably just a deer or something." "Sock, maybe you should slow down." "We’re gonna want to drive as far from here as possible before the police figure out what’s going on." "Fine then, don’t slow down." Jonathan started to hear sirens. "Hooray, sirens. I guess that means that I’m an escaped convict now." "Join the club!" "Just keep driving, alright?" "Wait a minute. What if we come across a red light? What do I do then?" "You just...keep driving I guess." "I dunno. Isn’t that illegal?" Jonathan facepalmed. "You kill people, and you just stole a police car, and yet you are worried about running a red light?" "Ya gotta have standards, Jonathan!" "I’m not disagreeing with you, but that’s just a real weird place to draw the line. We gotta move now!" Sock put his foot on the gas. Jonathan sighed. "Where the hell are we going, anyway?" "I dunno, maybe we could just move from place to place in this car? Ya know, like gypsies." "The correct term is Romani." "Who cares?" "You’re the one who said we should have standards. How are we gonna support ourselves, anyway?" "I hadn’t thought of that. We could rob banks?" "Rob banks." "Sure." "I know you mean well, but that is just a terrible idea. How would that even work?" "I don’t see you coming up with any bright ideas!" By this time, Sock and Jonathan were going on the interstate highway, and there was quite a bit of traffic, which is rather inconvenient when you are being chased by police. Jonathan turned to Sock. "Please tell me you have a plan for dealing with this traffic." "I do, but it involves a bit of reckless driving." "Whatever. Just tell me that you have a driver’s license." Sock grinned maniacally. "None whatsoever, friend! Yee-Haw!" Sock then drove the stolen police car sideways, over the grass and making a u-turn to the other end of the highway. It was a miracle that they were no hit. Jonathan thought that he was going to have a heart attack. "Sock. Never. Do. That. Again." "Oh, stop whining. It worked, didn't it?" Sure enough, Sock and Jonathan were losing their pursuers. Jonathan breathed a sigh of relief. "What are we going to do now? I'm never gonna see my family again, never gonna see Lil again." Jonathan noticed the look on Sock's face. "Why are you looking at me like that?" "Nothing, nothing! Com'n, this is gonna be fun! Just you and me, together..." Jonathan sighed. "No going back now. I got no money with me, what about you?" Sock grinned. "I got a hundred bucks!" "Not going to ask where you got that. How long is that gonna last? Not much more than a day, probably." "We could rob banks?" "For the last time, Sock, no!" "You could come up with ideas instead of just shooting me down." "Maybe we could do temp work." "People would recognize us." "Better than your idea, it's less likely to get us shot." Sock and Jonathan drove for a while. Sock spoke up. "Ya know, we need to get a new car. People will notice a police car, and the police have probably let everyone know that some dangerous convicts stole a police car." "You're right. How are we gonna get a new car, though?" "We steal it." "Fine. Let's go look for a motel or parking lot or something."  
It was getting dark before Jonathan found something. "Look, it's a motel!" "Huh, Shady Springs motel, let's pull over." They got out. Sock paused. "Right. So, how do you steal a car?" Jonathan was aghast. "You're asking me?! I thought you were the expert!?" "Not so loud. Just because I killed some people doesn't mean I know how to steal a car. I was an A student before I went to jail, you know." "That's just great. I'm sure your academic performance will be of assistance in our shared life of crime." "Gee, you don't need to be a jerk about it." Jonathan sighed. "What are we gonna do?" "I guess we just find a car with the keys locked inside and just, ya know, break a window?" "Well, it's not like I have any other ideas. Let's do it." Sock and Jonathan didn't have to wait long to find a car. "Hey, Jonathan, I found one." "Awright, let me see." Jonathan ran over. "It's a bit, uh, run down." "Hey, you get what you pay for." "Yeah. Let me get a rock. Found it." Jonathan threw the rock though the window. The window shattered. Jonathan sighed in relief. "Well, at least the car alarm didn't go off. Let's see if there's anything in the car." The car alarm went off. Jonathan kicked the car. "Fuck. Of course it went off." Jonathan motioned to Sock. "Come on, get in!" "I'm the driver, Jonathan." "Whatever, just get in!" Sock got in, and drove off. Sock noticed crying. "Aw, come on Jonathan! That was fun!" "Sock. I'm not the one who's crying. Does that sound like me? I'm going to check the backseat. Jonathan checked the backseat. "Sock." "Yeah?" "We are dead. We are just so fucking dead." "Why do you say that?" "We just kidnapped a baby." "What!?" "I said, we just kidnapped a baby! What are we going to do! I don't know how to raise a kid!" "Calm down. Just, just, calm down, okay! I have a plan." "We are not going to kill a baby, Sock. "What! What do you take me for? No! Let's just raise the baby as our own kid." "The kid is black, Sock." "Okay, no problem. I mean, we are both men, so let's just say we adopted him!" "Her. It's a her. How are we gonna raise a kid, Sock? Do you know? Because I sure as hell don't! We are so dead." "We are not dead, okay. Just search the car to see if there's any goodies in it. Wait, never mind. Let's wait and park by a motel or something first." "Fine. We are still super screwed. Sock?" "Yeah?" "You are the one who will be changing the diapers, okay?" "That's the spirit, Jonathan! What should we name her?" "I dunno, I suck at names. You pick." Sock thought for a moment. "Joane. I'm gonna call her Joane." "Why Joane?" Sock shrugged. "I just like the name, okay?" "Whatever. Let's just find a motel, okay?" "Sure thing!" They found a motel after driving for an hour. Sock parked the car, and Jonathan took the baby out. Sock grinned. "Aw, she's so cute!" "Take a closer look, Sock. You're the one who has to change her diaper." "Yuck. Check the car for stuff, okay?" Jonathan checked the car. "Okay, most of the stuff is trash, but I found a hundred bucks and some diapers, thank God." "Hooray!" "Hooray indeed. Let's check in and hope nobody recognizes us." The woman at the motel desk was old, surly, and rude. "Sixty bucks to rent a room for the night. Up front." Jonathan cleared his throat. "Thank you, ma'am." "Sixty bucks now, or I'm calling the police on you faggots." "Alright, sixty bucks. Here you go." "Here's your keys. Get out of my sight." As Jonathan walked out the door, he paused. "Great customer service you have here!" "Get out!" The room Jonathan rented was, in a word, crappy. There was a single broken-down cot, a television that looked like it was brand-new in the 70's, mold on the walls, and suspicious stains in the bathroom. Sock stretched. "Man, oh man, this looks great!" "Are you kidding? This place is a total dump!" "Jonathan, Jonathan, Jonathan. It's really all a matter of how you choose to view things. I'm sure this place will grow on you." Sock, we are only going to be here for tonight." "Meh. Hey, Jon! Let's watch some TV!" "Nothing else to do, I guess." Jonathan turned on the TV. Jonathan tuned into a local news show. The news anchor was a blonde young woman, who was wearing quite unprofessional attire. "A local girl was brutally murdered this evening. Magill "Lil" Nancy was found dead-" Jonathan's eyes widened. "Oh my god, Lil's dead! I can't believe-why?" Sock fidgeted. "Let's watch something else, you don't want to watch something this depressing." The anchor continued. "The cause of death appears to be from multiple stab wounds-" Jonathan's eyes narrowed. "Stab wounds? That's strange, we live-well, lived in a very safe neighborhood. I can't think of any reason why she would die from multiple stab wounds. Do you know, Sock? Well?" Sock swallowed. "Nope. No idea." "Really? No idea? None at all?! You have no idea why Lil was stabbed to death the very same day we left?! Hm?" "Hey, what are you implying?" "I don't know. I just find it real suspicious, Sock. Real suspicious." "No reason to be suspicious." Jonathan had roughly the same complexion as a ripe tomato at this point. "No reason to be suspicious? No reason to be suspicious?! I know you did it, Sock! Everyone knows you did it! It. Is. OBVIOUS!" Sock looked defeated. "How did you know, Jonathan?" "It isn't really hard to figure out, Sock. Lil gets stabbed to death, and the very same day, you flee the town. I doesn't take a genius to figure it out. The only thing I can't figure out is why. Why, Sock? She was your friend too!" "Why, Jonathan? I'll tell you why. She betrayed us!" "How! How the _fuck_ did she betray us!" "She was the one who gave us up to the police!" "Oh please, Sock. Do you have _any_ evidence for that?" "I just know, okay! Who else could it be!?" "If that was the case, she sure waited a long time." Baby Joane then chose that moment to start crying. "Goddamnit, Sock, go see what's wrong with the baby. This conversation isn't over." The baby needed it's diaper changed, and Sock slept on the floor that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "We had to destroy them, your highness. Their fanfiction chapters just kept getting longer!" -Admiral Glzo'rr, on the destruction of the human race.


	6. Slipping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sock and Jonathan start bonding over shared experiences.

Sock woke up in the middle of the night. A bloodthirsty urge filled him, and he knew he had to kill. Kill someone,  _anyone_ , but he knew that he had to kill. As softly as a stalking cat, Sock crept out of the motel room. The steel of the knife he had procured earlier shined reassuringly. Sock smiled, then crept into a nearby bush to wait for his next victim. He didn't have to wait long. A beaten-up car drove up to the motel, and a young man stepped out. Sock carefully looked to see if anyone was watching. Nobody was. Sock crept up to the man and quick as a flash, he made his move and slit the man's throat. As the light went out of the young man's eyes, Sock admired his handiwork. Sock then spent a few hours digging a grave for his victim. Sock stretched, and went back to the motel room. Jonathan awakened. While Jonathan normally slept in, recent events had understandably interfered with his sleep, making him restless. Jonathan stretched, and stood up. After a moment's deliberation, Jonathan turned on the lights. Sock was missing. After Jonathan realized what this meant, Jonathan went into a brief panic, worrying for Sock, then for their kidnapped baby, then for himself, and then finally for the rest of the building, which perhaps was the most well-founded fear. Fortunately, Jonathan only had to carry on like this for a few minutes before Sock opened the door. Jonathan scowled. Now scowling was Jonathan's default expression, but Jonathan somehow managed to pack a landfill's worth of worry, and anger, and relief all in one facial expression. It was really quite impressive, but none of the parties present were currently capable of appreciating this. Then, Jonathan broke into a slightly deranged grin. "Hello, honey." Death threats have been spoken with less venom than those two words right then. "How have you been doing? Haven't been doing anything that would say, let people know that a murderer is staying here?" Sock flinched. "I didn't do anything. Why are you being like this?" Jonathan glared. "You know exactly why I'm being like this." Jonathan sighed. "I'm sorry, Sock. It's just, so much has happened. What are we going to do, Sock! I mean, we've just kidnapped a baby, my best friend is dead..." "I thought that I was your best friend, Jonathan." "No, you're my boyfriend. You don't want to spend your life with your best friend, even if she's awesome." A faint hint of a smile came to Sock's face. Jonathan started sobbing. "My God, Sock. What are gonna do? I mean, I mean, oh God." Sock put his hand on Jonathan's shoulder. "Jonathan. Don't worry about it. We are gonna leave here tomorrow. Let's just get some sleep." Jonathan yawned. "Sure, that sounds like a good idea." Half-asleep, Jonathan walked to the cot, and practically collapsed. Sock followed him there, but Jonathan didn't seem to notice. "Good night, Jonathan." "Zzzzzzzz." Sock sighed, and closed his eyes. Jonathan woke up. There was some insistent knocking on the door. Jonathan stretched and shuffled to the door in the zombie-like fashion of someone who has just woken up and would prefer to be in bed now. Jonathan opened the hotel room door. "Yeah?" A police officer stared back at Jonathan. Jonathan's heart skipped a beat, though he tried not to show it. "How may I help you, officer?" "There's been a disappearance in this area, and we're just asking around to see if anyone knows anything about it." "Of course we don't know anything about a disappearance, officer." "Are you okay? You seem rather ill." "Ill? No, of course not. I'm fine! I don't look ill!" "Right. What's your name, son? We're gonna have to ask you a few questions." "What! I have my rights! Where's your warrant!" "I'm not bringing you to the police station, I'm just gonna ask you a few questions." The officer's face darkened. "I don't _need_ a warrant to detain a suspect, and you are seeming more suspicious by the minute, son. I'm gonna ask you again. What's your name, son?" "My name?" "Yes, your name." "Jonathan Smith, sir." "Alright, Mr. Smith, may I come in?" "Of course, officer." "Smart man. I'll just let myself in, if that's okay with you." "That's fine." "Tell me, is there some chairs or a table or something in this room?" "No sir." "Fair enough. I remember being young too. I had an apartment a lot like this when I was your age. Let's sit on the floor then, shall we?" "That's fine." They sat down. “Now, what’s this about a disappearance, officer?” “Well, normally we wouldn’t be asking questions at this stage, after all, it’s been less than a day since the victim disappeared.” “Well, what’s the problem, then? And why are you referring to uh, you know, vanished-person-guy-whatever as a victim?” “Well, I was understating the situation when I referred to it as a disappearance. The truth is, the victim was found in a shallow grave, his throat cut. The owner of this motel was complaining to us about a suspicious individual digging up her land, and we decided to investigate on, you know, a whim. The owner of this place complains to us all the time about nothing, so we didn’t think we would find anything, but lo and behold! We were very wrong about that.” Jonathan’s blood ran cold as soon as he heard about the murder. “You can’t possibly think that this had anything to do with us!” “I didn’t say any-“ The officer’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean, _us_? I wasn’t aware that you were with anyone. Could I meet your companion?” “Uh, I mean, me. Not us. Slip of the tongue.” “Listen kid, you are the worst goddamn liar I have ever heard in all my career as a cop. Why don’t you just tell the truth.” “Okay, I’ll show you him. We can all have a nice talk then, right?” “Yes. That is what I want to hear. Good.” “Alright, he is on the bed.” When the officer turned his head, Jonathan whacked him on the head with a piece of the broken bedframe, causing the officer to crumple to the floor in a broken heap! Jonathan checked the officer’s pulse. Dead. Jonathan started sobbing. “Oh my God!, oh God. I’m a murderer.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, people! I don’t really have an excuse, I’m just lazy.


	7. Fall Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know how chapter 4 was when this fic turned into pseudo romantic comedy into a tragedy? Well, this chapter is where this fix turns from tragedy to WTF am I reading.

Jonathan felt like he would burst. "I can’t believe it. I’m a murderer!" Then Jonathan started to crack a grin, and then he started giggling. A little at first, but soon great, uncontrolled peaks of laughter rang out! Jonathan carried on like this for a while, when Sock started stirring. "Jonathan?" Was his one-word question. Then Sock looked at the corpse, and smiled. "Feels good, doesn’t it, Jonathan?" "You bet it does, Sock." The two started embracing near the corpse. Jonathan began tearing at Sock’s clothes much like a starving lion, laughing madly as he did so. Sock then started biting Jonathan’s neck hard enough to draw blood. They continued on like this to the point of exhaustion. Jonathan stretched. "We gotta move. We can’t stay here." Sock nodded. "Yeah, you’re right. Wait. We gotta feed Joane." "You’re right. What food have we got, Sock?" "I don't think we have any....we’re gonna have to buy some." "Some great parents we are, forgetting to buy food." "Don’t be like that, Jon-Jon! We remembered in the end!" "Wooooo. Yay us. Let's get some food on the road." "How are we gonna get the money, Jonathan?" Jonathan paused. "I suppose we could rob someone. It's not like we have a choice now." "Yeah. Well, no time to ponder on that now! Let's go rob someone!" "Hold on." Jonathan paused, crouched near the dead officer, and retrieved the gun and some bullets. "We are gonna need this." The couple and their "adopted" daughter then got into the car that they had stolen earlier and drove off. They went to a small 7-11. Sock entered it. The 7-11 was very clean, and the shelves were packed with food. Sock's mouth watered at the smell of junk food, at he spotted a young-looking, rather ambiguously-gendered person at the cash register. Sock went up to the cashier. The cashier's eyes widened. "Oh my god. You're-" "Yes, yes. Now, my good man-" "I'm  _not_ a man!" "My good wom-" "I'm not a woman, either!" "My good  _person_. Nothing? Okay. Now." Sock produced his gun. "Your money-" "I don't  _have_ any money!" "The 7-11's money, then. The 7-11's money....or your life." "Say please." "What?" "You heard me." "This gun isn't for show, you know!" "Okay, okay. Here's your money." "Oh, my mistake. Did I say your money  _or_ your life?" "No." "I meant to say your money  _and_ your life." Sock then shot the cashier a few more times then was strictly necessary. Sock went to the car. "You can come in now, Jonathan." Jonathan came into the 7-11, and they began raiding it of money, baby food, soda, and junk food. Jonathan nodded. "I think we've got enough." The couple went into the car. Sock opened a can of baby food. "It's dinnertime, Joane! Here comes the airplane!" "Ba-ba-ba-bang-bang!" "Look, Jonathan! Her first words! I think." "Oooh, I wish I had a camera!" Sock cracked a grin. "Jonathan? Are you okay?" "I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be okay?" "You just showed emotion." "Hardee-har. You know what? I drive, you feed Joane." "Why can't  _I_ drive?" "I want to stay in the land of the living, that's why." Jonathan began driving and the new couple carried on like this for a couple of days. Every day, after driving for a while, the couple would stop somewhere, see the sights, and feed themselves and Joane. It was a happy time. While Jonathan was driving, Sock decided to turn on the radio. A voice crackled on.  
Voice: I knew they was bad news, just looking at them.  
Jonathan recognized the voice. "Hey, it's that crabby lady from the shitty motel!"  
Crabby Lady: I mean, you could tell the were a bunch 'o queers.  
Radio Host: Er, Ms. Pleasant? You do know I'm gay?  
Ms. Pleasant: Well, that's the problem with this society, isn't it? Letting all these perverts run around all over the place, letting them become radio hosts and serial killers. If I was in charge, there wouldn't be be anything like  _that_ , no sir. I'd string them all up, along with the homeless and the Irish.  
Radio Host: Thank you for your time, ma'am. And now for a word from our sponsors.  
Ms. Pleasant: Get your hands off me, you damn....  
Sock spoke up. "I wish I'd killed her." "I normally don't condone your murders, Sock, but I think you'd be doing a public service in her case." "Yeah. I'm hungry." "So? Just eat some of the food we have left." "Jonathan! If I eat more of that, I'm going to throw up! Anyway, we're out of baby food." "So? We'll just get some more. And quit being such a baby, Sock, the food we have is fine." Joane began crying. Sock looked at Jonathan. "Well, Jonathan? I think Joane's hungry." "She could just need changing." "We would smell it if she did, Jonathan." "Okay, okay! We'll stop at a McDonalds or something." Sock sniffed. "Not terribly romantic, Johnny-boy." "Romantic? Okay, maybe we could go Italian. Nothing too expensive, though." So Jonathan eventually found an out of the way Italian place. It was what would be described by a generous reviewer as "Cozy", but it was packed, and there were terrific smells coming from the kitchen. Jonathan went up to the host. "Sir, can you seat my husband and I?" The host's eyes widened, then he started grinning, and then he clapped his hands. "Congratulations, sir! You're our 1000th customer!" "Ok, cool." "To celebrate this occasion, you will be granted a free three-course meal!" "Really! That's great! Did you hear that, dear?" Sock smiled. "I did." The host bowed. "Allow me to seat you and your daughter." Sock and Jonathan took a seat, while Joane took a high chair. They stuffed themselves on delicious Italian food, and the service was courteous, if rather slow. Jonathan stretched. "It's getting late, this lunch has started dipping into dinner! We've got to get moving." A waiter moved over to their table. "Oh, please sir, you haven't even had dessert!" "I'm stuffed anyway. What about you, honey?" Sock rubbed his tummy. "Me too." Jonathan stood up. "Well, we've got to get going!" The waiter seemed to panic. "Oh please, sirs! You simply  _must_ have dessert!" Jonathan was getting impatient. "What is your problem, man?" A voice, carried though a megaphone, cut through all. "Napoleon Maxwell Sowachowski and Jonathan Combs. You are surrounded. Come out with your hands up." Jonathan turned to Sock. "They got us." Joane began crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a wild ride! I hope you people enjoyed this.


End file.
